Most parenting plans handle the regular weekly schedule fine. They fall apart at Thanksgiving.
Holidays are where co-parenting friction shows up most predictably. Two families pulling in opposite directions, kids in the middle of a tug-of-war they didn’t ask for, and an order that says something unhelpful like “the parties shall share holidays as they may agree.”
Vague holiday provisions create more conflict, not less. A holiday schedule that actually works is specific, balanced, and built for the way your family actually lives — not the way someone in a courtroom assumed it would.
Here’s how to build one.
Why Generic Holiday Schedules Fail
The standard “alternate the holidays each year” template looks fine on paper. In practice, it ignores everything that makes a holiday matter.
It treats Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as one block when they’re actually two distinct experiences for most families. It assumes both parents have the same Thanksgiving traditions. It ignores extended family travel. It forgets that some holidays are religiously significant for one parent but not the other. And it makes no allowance for the fact that a 4-year-old and a 14-year-old have completely different relationships to “holiday time.”
A schedule that doesn’t reflect your family’s actual rhythm becomes the source of fights, not the solution.
Start with the Big Six
Before you draft anything, list the holidays your family actually cares about. Most plans cover:
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (separately)
- New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day
- Spring Break / Easter
- Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
- The child’s birthday
- Each parent’s birthday
- Independence Day, Halloween, Memorial Day, Labor Day
But your list might also include religious holidays (Eid, Passover, Diwali, etc.), cultural celebrations, or family-specific traditions. Don’t borrow someone else’s list. Build yours.
The Core Question: Split or Alternate?
Almost every holiday provision boils down to one of two structures.
Alternating years. Parent A has Thanksgiving in odd years, Parent B has it in even years. Simple, predictable, and avoids transitions in the middle of holiday meals.
Splitting the day. Parent A has the child Thanksgiving morning through 2 PM, Parent B has the child from 2 PM until the next morning. Lets both parents see the child every year, but adds a transition in the middle of an emotional day.
Some holidays work better as splits (Christmas Eve through Christmas morning is a classic split — one parent has the night, the other has the morning). Others work much better as alternations (Thanksgiving with extended family in another state can’t realistically be split).
A good schedule mixes both, depending on what makes sense for each holiday.
Practical Rules for a Working Holiday Plan
Make Specific Times, Not Vague Windows
Bad: “Each parent will have the child on alternating Christmases.”
Better: “In odd years, Parent A shall have the children from 6:00 PM December 24 until 10:00 AM December 25, and Parent B shall have the children from 10:00 AM December 25 until 6:00 PM December 26. In even years, the schedule reverses.”
The vague version creates fights every year. The specific version doesn’t.
Decide Where Exchanges Happen
Holiday exchanges at one parent’s house in front of extended family are a recipe for tension. Pick a neutral location — a public parking lot, a familiar restaurant, a halfway point — and lock it in.
Cover Travel and Out-of-Town Visits
If one parent’s holiday plans involve traveling out of state to see family, the schedule should explicitly allow for that. Address advance notice (usually 30-60 days), itinerary sharing, and how the other parent stays in contact during the trip.
Address School Breaks Separately
Holidays are often nested inside school breaks (Thanksgiving break, winter break, spring break). The schedule should clarify how the larger break is divided, then how the specific holiday slots within it work.
For example: Parent A has the first half of winter break, Parent B has the second half — but the Christmas Eve/Christmas Day split happens regardless of which “half” each parent has.
Holiday Schedule Overrides Regular Schedule
This is the single most important provision in any holiday section. Without it, you’ll spend every holiday season fighting about whether the regular Wednesday-night dinner is preempted by Christmas Eve.
Sample language: “The holiday schedule set forth herein shall override the regular parenting time schedule whenever the two conflict.”
Build in Birthdays Properly
Children’s birthdays usually involve both parents in some way. A common approach: the parent who has the child on the actual birthday gets the day, but the other parent gets either an evening dinner that day or a separate “birthday celebration” weekend.
Adult birthdays (Mom’s, Dad’s) typically default to the parent whose birthday it is.
Cover Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
These are obvious — Mom gets Mother’s Day, Dad gets Father’s Day, regardless of whose regular weekend it is. Just write it down so it’s clear.
A Sample Holiday Framework
Here’s a starting framework many families adapt to their needs. Treat this as a template, not a prescription.
Thanksgiving: Alternates each year. The Thanksgiving holiday block runs from end of school Wednesday until Sunday at 6 PM. Parent A in odd years, Parent B in even years.
Christmas Eve / Christmas Day: Split. Parent A in odd years has the children from 6 PM December 24 to 10 AM December 25; Parent B has them from 10 AM December 25 to 6 PM December 26. Reverses in even years.
Winter Break: Each parent gets one full week. The week containing Christmas Eve/Christmas Day is split as above; the rest of the break is divided in half, with Parent A having the first half in odd years and Parent B in even years.
New Year’s Eve / New Year’s Day: Alternates. Parent who didn’t have Christmas Day has New Year’s.
Spring Break: Alternates yearly. The full week off school.
Easter: Alternates yearly. From Saturday evening through Sunday evening.
Mother’s Day: Mom every year, 9 AM to 8 PM.
Father’s Day: Dad every year, 9 AM to 8 PM.
Children’s Birthdays: The parent with regular custody that day has the child. The other parent gets a 2-hour visit or dinner of their choosing on the actual birthday.
Halloween: Alternates yearly, 4 PM to 8 PM, regardless of regular schedule.
Independence Day: Alternates yearly, from 9 AM July 4 through 9 AM July 5.
Religious or cultural holidays specific to one parent: That parent has the children for the holiday, regardless of the regular schedule, with reasonable advance notice.
This framework covers most of the friction points. Adjust to your family’s reality.
Building in Flexibility Without Inviting Conflict
A common mistake is to try to write flexibility into the order itself with phrases like “the parties may modify by mutual agreement.” That’s already true — parents can always agree to deviate from the plan. The problem is when they can’t agree.
The best approach: write a tight, specific default schedule that everyone follows when there’s no agreement, and trust that you’ll work things out informally most of the time. The detailed default isn’t there to handcuff you — it’s there for the years when communication breaks down.
When the Other Parent Won’t Follow the Schedule
Even the best-drafted holiday schedule means nothing if your co-parent ignores it. If you’re consistently being denied holiday time, you have legal options:
- A family access motion is the fastest tool in Missouri for enforcing parenting time violations under § 452.400 RSMo. It’s specifically designed for custody and visitation interference, requires no attorney to file (though an attorney helps), and can result in compensatory time, fines, or attorney’s fees.
- A motion for contempt is an option for more serious or repeated violations.
- A motion to modify can be filed if the underlying schedule isn’t workable and circumstances support a permanent change.
Document every denied holiday in writing. Send a polite text confirming the schedule beforehand. Keep records of the violation. Pictures, emails, and a simple log are usually enough.
Religious, Cultural, and Blended-Family Considerations
Missouri courts increasingly recognize that one-size-fits-all holiday schedules don’t work for families with different cultural or religious traditions. If one parent observes Eid, Passover, Diwali, Lunar New Year, or other holidays the other doesn’t, the schedule should explicitly carve out those days.
Two practical principles:
- Each parent gets the holidays that matter most to their tradition, without requiring the other parent’s “permission” each year.
- Both parents respect the other’s traditions in front of the children. Even if you don’t celebrate the holiday yourself, don’t disparage it.
For more on building parenting plans that respect different cultural backgrounds, see our piece on creating culturally workable parenting plans.
Holidays for Long-Distance Co-Parents
If you and your co-parent live in different cities or states, the holiday schedule needs to do more work. You’ll likely need to:
- Front-load travel time into each holiday block (don’t expect a same-day flight to leave time for actual celebration)
- Allocate transportation costs explicitly
- Cover what happens if a flight is cancelled or delayed
- Plan for who handles airport pickup and drop-off
Long-distance schedules often use longer, less frequent holiday blocks — instead of splitting Christmas Day, one parent gets the entire winter break in one year and the entire spring break in alternate years.
Common Questions
Can I just verbally agree to swap holidays with my ex?
Yes, parents can always agree to deviations. Just put it in writing — a quick text confirming the swap protects both of you if there’s a disagreement later.
What if our holiday schedule is in our parenting plan but it doesn’t work anymore?
You can modify the parenting plan under § 452.410 RSMo if there’s been a substantial change in circumstances. Outgrowing a schedule that was set when the kids were toddlers is a common reason.
How specific should the holiday schedule be?
Specific enough that two reasonable people couldn’t disagree about what it requires on any given day. If you can read a provision and immediately know exactly when and where the exchange happens, it’s specific enough.
What if the other parent’s family lives out of state?
Build it into the schedule. Long holiday blocks (full Thanksgiving week, full winter break in alternating years) usually work better than splitting the holiday in half when significant travel is involved.
Can the holiday schedule give one parent more time overall?
It can, and it sometimes does — especially when one parent’s work schedule (military, medical, retail management) makes them less available during regular weeks but more available during holidays. Courts will accept any schedule the parents agree to that’s in the child’s best interest.
Who has the child on the actual day of a holiday vs. the day the holiday “block” starts?
That’s why specific times matter. “Thanksgiving” might mean different things — pickup Wednesday after school vs. drop-off Sunday evening, or a smaller window from Thursday morning to Friday morning. Define it.
Get a Holiday Schedule That Holds Up
A good holiday schedule isn’t drafted in 20 minutes. It takes thinking through what actually matters to each parent, what fits the children’s developmental stage, and where the friction points are likely to show up.
At Raza Family Law Solutions, we help St. Louis families build parenting plans — including the holiday provisions that so often get glossed over — that hold up year after year. Whether you’re drafting your first plan or trying to fix one that’s not working, contact our office to set up a consultation.